Holy Sheesh...

I guess I've fallen out of the habit of blogging for a bit.  Good heavens, there's a lot to catch up!

So, let's do the Cliff Notes version.  Here are the things that have happened in my life recently that I haven't  blogged about:

• Joined that gym.  Yes, I did, and I love it, and I'm rockin' it 3-4 times a week.
• Fibromyalgia.  Actually, this happened years ago.  But the diagnosis just happened in November.  There's a name for the pain and stiffness and spasms.  The brain fog and fatigue have a name, too.  And that name isn't "getting old and being fat".  I'm so glad I've learned to advocate for myself, or I'd still be suffering.
• The end of my marriage.  Sometimes, you know, when changes take place, people grow apart.  Sadly, that's what happened here.  Sure it stings.  But both of us, I think, will be better in the long run.
• Oh yeah...my surgery was approved. Yup, that's right...after all the insurance hurdles and craziness, that part's done.  Surgery is a go and full steam ahead, ETA January 14, 2013.

Obviously, as 2012 draws to a close, (and GOOD RIDDANCE!!) a lot of change has already taken place.  I've started to learn how to care about myself, and to care for myself.  I've come to the realization that sometimes, putting one's self first can be ok.  It's only when we take care of us that we become the best we can be for the other people in our life.  It's a crazy revelation to find that, when I thought I was being most selfless and altruistic, I've really been selling short those around me, who have had to watch me struggle and fall time and time again.  I'm not saying there won't be more falls.  Part of life is falling and getting back up again.  But many of those falls can be avoided by simply being aware of one's self.

I say "simply".  Funny how I choose that word to describe something that's anything but "simple"...

Part of my ongoing journey towards understanding and caring for myself as best I possibly can is exploring why it's gone wrong before.  I'm not going to lie.  That part sucks.  In order to really get a handle on this, you have to stop blaming everything else for why things happen the way they do, and really take a good hard look at your own part in the scheme of those things.  This is where it can get ugly.  This year, I've had to face some difficult and very inconvenient truths about myself, and I don't expect the coming year will be free of those revelations any time soon.  I just have to remember that even when it gets gross, there is a purpose to this, and that purpose is to emerge safe and whole on the other side.  For the first time in, like, ever, I'm excited about that.  And that feels pretty damn good!

*deep, cleansing breath*

So this is where I stake that claim. 

I hate the term "New Year's Resolution".  It just rings hollow to me.  So, if you will indulge me, I'm renaming this.

MY STATEMENT OF INTENT FOR 2013

Ooooh yes, that's much better!  There's boldface, caps, underlining AND pink...you know, because all pink things are good things.  (Minds out of the gutter, please.  This is a family blog!)

• To live.  Well, yes, that should be pretty obvious.  I would very much like to survive another year, and preferably at least a few more following.  But have you ever stopped to think about whether you're really living, or simply existing?  I have.  I've thought about it a lot, especially in this past year.  This year, I'm making the choice to live.  What does that look like?  I'm glad you asked!  The following things are what living looks like for me.  Your mileage may vary.
• To experience joy.  Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I'm generally a pretty happy person, at least outwardly.  I've been blessed with a sunny, if mildly caustic, disposition that has served me well most of my life.  But just like there's a difference between existing and really living, there's a difference between being cheerful and experiencing joy.  Experiencing joy involves allowing yourself to be really present in that moment...to put aside all the reasons for holding back.  I don't know anyone else, but I'm more than a bit sick of holding back.  I think I'd like to stop that now.
• To be kind.  Again, I'm really not a big meanie face as a general rule.  But I also don't generally really reach out to make someone's day better.  How many times, even just in the course of a day, do we leave a word of encouragement unsaid?  And how many times might that word of encouragement made all the difference in the world to the person receiving it?  It goes back again to being present in the moment.  It's funny how, even as I'm working so hard to stop putting myself last, I have to put a little more work into stepping outside of my isolation to make someone else's life a little better, but you know, life is odd like that sometimes.
• To leave this year better in some way than how I came into it.  I pretty much say this every year.  This year is no exception.  This pretty well sums it all up.  If I can look back at the end of 2013 and say that life looks better for me somehow, even if it's just in a very small way, I can then say it's been a successful year.  As hard as 2012 has been in places, I can say this has indeed been a successful year.  The next one's looking even better!  I can't wait to see what it holds!

To all my friends and family, and to all the friends I'm making now, and the friends I will make in the year to come,  I wish each and every one of you nothing but the very best of everything you can draw from life.  Let's make this year the best one ever!  Here we go..

(Image courtesy of http://happynewyear2013.org/happy-new-year-wallpapers/)

Love,

ME